Thursday, 12 February 2015

Kim's take on living with a celebrity

My wife has been my rock throughout this experience. Many of you have wondered how she is coping. Here is her reply (enjoy!):

For those of you who may have missed the memo, I'm married to a superstar.  Colin got air time on 3 different tv channels for two different news stories in a single day.  He's had photo shoots and speaking engagements.  He's going to be on the cover of a magazine.  He has a cross Canada tour planned for this summer, and he has sponsors.

Many people have asked how I'm handling his recent forced retirement from the 8:30am to 3:30pm world and his evolving career as a celebrity.  I have to admit that it isn't easy.

Like any celebrity, Colin dictates his own hours.  As he's explained to me, Twitter is a large part of how he manages his publicity, so he often works on that in to the wee hours of the morning.  Like any assistant, I have to work around him.  Working around him involves picking my clothes up off the floor in our bedroom in the dark so I can walk the kids to school in the morning without waking Colin up, and carefully vacuuming around and underneath his recliner while he develops his mental stamina in Clash of Clans.

Like any accomplished celebrity, Colin has strict dietary requirements.  I'm certain he wouldn't be able to tell you how many of which supplement he takes at what time.  Since I'm his assistant, he expects me to hand him a mitt full of pills twice a day.  Out of consideration for my needs (since he understands that at times I am busy with four short people whom I also assist on a minute to minute basis), he will on occasion accept a sealed container full of pills as delivered by one of three subcontractors I have to call in.  One of those subcontractors is cognizant of the fact that the highly trained celebrity living in this home requires a daily protein shake, so for the last two weeks that has been sitting beside Colin's recliner when we leave for school in the morning so that when he rolls out of bed he doesn't have to venture to the pantry.  He can go directly to his chair and work on the aforementioned mental stamina building.  Another one of the subcontractors is aware of the fact that her father has to drink his beet/kale/carrot/ginger/blueberry/greens juice daily, so to Colin's glee she remembers to take one of those to him every single day.  Finally, the third contractor makes certain to remove her father's beverage containers so she has something to put in the dishwasher.  Although she is a subcontractor, I am somehow still her assistant and she keeps me employed by helping with the dishes. 

Colin the celebrity also has certain upkeep requirements.  Although I washed Colin's clothing before he reached his celebrity status, I am now required to double wash everything because he exudes chemicals from every pore.   As his assistant, I relish nothing more than double the laundry.  I also have the privilege of injecting things in to Colin and removing a fairly large needle from Colin's chest every other week.  I know some of his fans might crave that level of intimacy.  Depending on how things go financially with his new career as a superstar, we may be making a pay per view video of pump removal some time in the near future.

So there you have it folks.  This is how I am coping with living with a superstar. I don't have a problem riding Colin's coattails though.  While he was reffing I got to meet Janne Niinimaa at the World's Longest Hockey Game in support of The Alberta Cancer Foundation.

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